HeadLine News!

I wish I had been on a date with this Cat. I would have stroked his whiskers. I would have looked deeply into his eyes. This cat speaks Russian. If nothing else, foreign languages are hot.
But I was not on a date with this cat. I was on a date with a boy I met at the circle K. This should have been my first clue? I don't beleive it- quality relationships can begin at the circle K. There were good signs to begin with- he was cute, scruffy, had a big truck and an old dog named Bo in the truck. He spoke an exotic language- hillbilly.





I wish I had been on a date with this dog. There would have been sparks in my eyes. He could have told me all about being a robot. And just feast your eyes on that row of teeth. But i was not on a date with this dog. I was on a date with the boy I met at the circle K. Boys: When dating girls: Don't interrupt them whenever they speak. Don't complain constantly about life. Do ask them questions about themselves. Don't apologize constantly for your behaviour. Don't fly into a rage when driving them home. Don't tell them about all your run-ins with the cops. Don't chew caffeine gum. This dog wouldn't do these things, and he is a robot. Why would you? If you feel compelled to do all these things, don't go on dates yet. You are not ready. You are not looking for a girlfriend. You are looking for a dishrag.

Speaking of dishrags, I've been meaning to bring this up in the headline news.





Barbara Bush. Evil? Or deserving of my compassion?






















This man, David Icke, says that old Babs is not actually a human, but a shapeshifting alien reptile from the lower fourth dimension. His books have all kinds of graphs and diagrams. It is truly amazing that he is still alive, having blown the lid off this conspiracy. Look how sweaty he is. That's how you know it's working. He explains :




















However, if indeed I accept it as my job to develope love and compassion for humanity as a necessary aspect of the evolution of my spirit, then I might as well develope love and compassion for shapeshifting alien reptiles from the lower fourth dimension as well, so this argument does not let me Off the hook.

Consciousness expert Angel Bootstrap (http://thankyouforallyourgeneroussilence.blogspot.com) explains: Barbarah Bush is perfect. She is a child of creation. She is doing in her life on this earth exactly what she was meant to do, so yes, love her. On the other hand, in this incarnation she is evil and incapable of healing or doing good, therefore, she should die as soon as possible so that her soul may move on, and become an earthworm, or a puppy that licks your face and says, 'I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!' so: Do not waste any of your time developing love for Barbarah Bush.
Thanks Angel. What about my date? Maybe he was a shapeshifting alien reptile from the lower fourth dimension sent by Barbarah Bush to spy on my- I sure foiled her plans, though. I didn't say a Goddamn thing on that date! I just chainsmoked untill it was all over......

Headline News

Did you folks know that one in five major news stories are now broken by a Blogger? It's true. That means that this page is a major news source. Walter Kronkite is reading this page right now.
Today's Headlines: This cat is more psychic than you. How does it feel? Experts dissagree: "It feels bad." "I do not believe in cats"

This chicken loves the earth very much.

I had many of my first sexual fantasies about this boy. Then he killed himself because he couldn't get work, and girls like me were no longer interested in him.Who is the real criminal?

This tumbleweed blew onto the patio I was drinking coffee on while i weathered my first Arizona dust storm. It's True.I guess that makes me a real cowboy now.

Well, that's the news Today. I did not wear my hair in a blond bob while i typed it.

Tucson Gem Show

My new friend Hayley just went to the gem show in Tucson, which is this huge annual event. There's giant chrystals and fossils and diamonds at literally dozens of venues all around town. She has three gem vendors from Conneticutt staying in her little apartment. They get drunk every night and gossip about the bead bitch community- it is like Christmas and New Years put together for them. Anyway, this is good for Hayley because she gets to go to the gemshow for free, and things are like, crazy cheap there, and she bought all kinds of mad things to put into the holes in her ears, nipples and nose. Um, I'll be straight up- I don't have much to say about this- the writing is just preamble to these pictures, which came about when Hayley was all, 'check out all the beads I got at the dollar tent!"
Friends, Family, Strangers:
Enjoy
ps: we were in our swimsuits because Hayley has an outdoor pool and hot tub in her condo. take THAT, east Vancouver!

Two Poems about Penny, and One about a Boil









I am caring for a friend who is terminally ill
She is a poodle terrier named Penny
She has congestive heart failure, but she can still play
I do downward facing dog pose to open my heart
To dogs, this pose means, 'let's play'
Penny, you old dog, let's open our hearts, and play









Some person lets stitches rot in Penny's body for 2 years
They let her shaggy hair grow over her eyes so that she is totally sightless by the age of three

But Penny is no dog to lick the hand that whacks
Penny runs away, again and again, untill,
by some trick of SPCA magic
She comes to live with us
She begins living the life of fierce, proud, loving and playing that her terrier mother whispered into her silky puppy ear
We all love her more for the sticks in her fur

Now she is a venerable old lady
All the chihihuas and Newfoundland Retrievers take notice when she comes to the park
No big dog dares bowl her over
No big dog dares steal her ball
Her heart is weak but her stout bark makes all the rules

Now she is approaching the end of her life, so I take her to see the Grand Canyon
We check into a hotel on the way
She hops on the bed
'This is my bed,' say her little paws, her brown eyes
'Now come and snuggle my black fur,

Now we arrive at the Canyon
Hundreds of dogs gather
A goat is slaughtered and spitted
They prepare and elevated seat of cushions by the fire
Now she settles in and the dogs all focus on her, and I know I must leave

It is not for me to hear the ancient secrets of her race, and say, 'how cute'
As she shares them with her bark, her eyes, little furry gestures
---


My giant boil has returned
I'm so excited
Nothing pops like a boil
Once this same boil spurted into the mouth of a boyfriend who was popping it
But I heard that you're not supposed to pop them, you're supposed to bring them up with a hot compress
Fine, Even better
I will spend all night with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a hot compress

----image courtesy www.liztrueblood.com----

$1.99. Serve Very Cold 

January Fools

New Year's Eve. I'm in a new town and I don't know too many people yet. The new friends I have made have all gone back to places like Danbury, Conneticut for the hollidays. But it's New Year's Eve, so me and the Poodle Terrier walked to the Circle K on Tanque Verde road and perused the beer fridge. Yep, that's right, the Circle K in America has a beer fridge. There were tall cans of Bud and Labbat, but my pallet is a bit more discriminating, so I reached up, way up, and selected a bottle of strawberry flavoured wine and picked up a bag of those real crunchy cheezies on the way to the checkout. Total cost to me: $2.89. God Bless America.

New Year's Eve. Well, I never thought that this made sense. I still think April 1st makes more sense for New Years. Car manufacturers recognize this. The 2006 minivans, the minivans of the future, have been on the road for six months already. Yes, let's piss on Pope Gregory's grave and change the New Year back to April 1st. Then the people of Prince George and Thunder bay can have some real fun, locking each other out of the house all night at 40 below zero, on January Fools day.

New year's eve. New Year's eve. A time for resolutions. I'm not very creative, so I went to Yahoo.com to see if the people who know people best had any help for me. Well, they did. They had a list of the top five most popluar resolutions.

1. Get Fit! Well hell, if I loose weight, my special friends won't have nothin to hang on to! No, in my world, i wake up to, "Good Morning baby, here's a cheese Danish and Coffee with extra cream." The media is confused. Everyone is secretly craving some serious Goddess Worshipping. All you women got chocolate in your stockings, didn't you? Take a hint. Pack it on.

2. Quit smoking. This makes sense. I don't smoke, but I'll be sure to repeat this to all my smoking friends.

3. Enjoy life more. Well, what the shit is that supposed to mean? Who thinks these things up? Who said this when Yahoo sent them this questionaire in their inbox? Was it multiple choice, or did five million people type, "I resolve to enjoy life more." I sincerely hope that the five million Americans who made this the third most popular resolution all fail. I don't want them quitting their jobs at Chase-Manhattan or the Raytheon factory and ruining my neighborhoods, all hanging out in my coffee shops, sitting on my park benches, smokin my drugs, chattin up my girls.

4. Gebt out of debt. I've never had a problem with debt. British Columbia Hydro is four addresses behind me and Canada Student Loans is still sending stuff to that share house in East Van that got torn down two years ago. I'm not afraid of my creditors. They are not very smart.

5. Learn something new. I should share this idea with my new American Friends and neighbors. This could be some kind of national project- Americans can all learn something together. Lesson number one: these things we're doing around the world...they're not such good things.

New Year's Eve is also a time for reviewing the year past. What happened this year? I can't remember. I've been too busy living a fit, smoke-free, debt-free, learned, and enjoyable life. Too bad I'm too gosh-darn perfect to notice the world around me. Maybe MSNBC can help jog my memory.

Let's see. MSNBC calls it 'the year of lame excuses.' It has a picture of George Bush looking stupid. Things must be so much easier at MSNBC these days now that the Democratic party is funnelling more money in than the Republicans are. I'm sure it's easier to find a picture of George Bush looking stupid than ones of him looking like the noble statesman only a mother could love. I know, I shouldn't say anything bad about our beloved former first lady. Barbarah Bush is a tough bitch. She won't send henchmen. She's coming to break my legs herself. But I'm one third of the way through this bottle of strawberry wine, friends, and feeling fiesty. You want a piece of this, Babs?

What else? 'Wacky animal stories brighten up 05.' There's a picture of two Yorkshire terriers getting married. Well, we have to have some bright moments in our desperate lives. yes, i applaud the editorial decision that made room for this story.

Morgan Freeman called Black History month 'rediculous.' But aren't all months rediculous, Morgan? This brings me back to the arbitrary nature of the Gregorian Calendar. According to the website for global calendar reform (www.tortuga.com), the Gregorian calendar has "little relationship to the cycles of nature and is acknowledged, even by the Vatican, as being innacurate."As it points out, the moon cycles the earth thirteen times a year, not twelve. It proposes adoption of the Mayan Calendar, which is based on my menstrual cycle and yours, and predicts the apocalyptic death of jerks like George and Barbarah Bush in 2012. Or something like that.
Well the moon outside is dark, which means its time for my menstrual cycle to start. It's about 12:30, so it's 2006 now. Do you feel different? Do you feel new? The coyotes have been howling outside my door for some time, but right now they've been driven back into the mountains by some rowdy neighborhood kids who've escaped from their babysitter and are setting off fire crackers. Happy New Year, kids. Happy new year, Bush family. Happy new year, people of Prince George, Thunder Bay.
Happy new year, coyote.....